


Unicorns! Fuck Yeah!

by bestliars



Category: Hockey RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe - Magic, M/M, Unicorns
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-06-04
Updated: 2013-06-04
Packaged: 2017-12-13 22:30:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,042
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/829603
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bestliars/pseuds/bestliars
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Unicorns are the most glittery cockblock ever.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Unicorns! Fuck Yeah!

**Author's Note:**

> Unapologetic crack fic.  
> All my love to Stellarer for first listening to this story, and then beta reading it.  
> A few of the lines are funnier if you remember that one time Mikhail Grabovski bit Pacioretty. Really, that’s always a fun thing to remember.

(Once upon a time there was a magical biologist named PK who traveled from the big city of Toronto to a wildlife reserve in Western Canada to study real living creatures in their natural habitats instead of just reading about them in books or visiting them at the zoo.)

PK is not that excited about leaving Toronto to do field work out in the boonies. Toronto is an exciting place to be. It has lots of cool people, and PK likes cool people. He can write in Toronto, and he’s the fill-in host for a nature program, and at the end of the day he can go out with his friends. He doesn’t really _want_ to spend months in the middle of nowhere, British Columbia, but he does want to write a great book about the life cycle of the Canadian Pixie, and that means he should go study Canadian Pixies in the wild.

So he applies to be a visiting scholar, and they say he can come stay, so he has to pack his bags and fly out there, in an airplane, because it’s a better use of resources to buy a ticket than to buy the ingredients necessary to set up a teleportation charm that would get him all the way across the country. Once he’s landed in Vancouver he takes a cab to the Wizarding district, from there it’s an easy jump out to the reserve.

PK is greeted the program’s director, Brian Gianta. Gianta wants to hear about PK’s research, and PK always wants to talk about his research, so that’s good. There’s some paperwork to sign, then it’s time for the grand tour. Gianta has his own work to do, but he arranged for a guide.

“Max can show you around,” Gianta says.

“He’s one of the other researchers?” PK asks.

Gianta chuckles. “No, Max is Fae.”

This is why PK left the city; because Toronto is a bustling wizarding metropolis, but it’s human through and through. PK’s interested in beings with innate magic, beings who generally aren’t into big cities full of cement and smoke. PK can put up with nature if it means getting to study Pixies, and question North American Sphinx, and hang out with other types of Fae.

Actually meeting Max is almost disappointing. He looks like an ordinary guy about PK's age, except for the pointed ears partly hidden in his dark hair. Max is a thorough tour guide, leading them down the footpaths that crisscross the park.

"That building is where we keep the Gallys — don't worry, they mostly don't bite."

“Is that something I should be concerned about?” PK asks.

“Yeah, you have to be ready. Biting can be a serious issue,” Max says.

PK has no idea what a Gally is, but he's excited to find out. They keep going. Max points out hives of bees and pixies, and PK is tempted to stop right then, but knows he’d get caught up in his observations, which can wait til later. There’s a pond populated by a pair of kelpies, and a glade favored by a mumprdore. Eventually Max leads them to fenced in clearing, and points at the man leaning against the fence.

“That’s Carey,” Max says.

Carey is, in a word, damn fine to look at. Well, that’s more than a word, but Carey’s hot enough to merit a whole phrase. Carey’s wearing a cowboy hat and killer boots, and the way he leans against the fence is super interesting and should maybe be illegal. He is instantly PK’s number one wildlife reserve crush, and he’s already starting to scheme his way into Carey’s pants when Max brings it all crumbling down, saying, “Carey works with unicorns.”

Now, PK skipped a lot of his mammalian creatures classes in school, but he knows some things about unicorns. Unicorns are an endangered species. Unicorn tears can cure most cancers. Unicorns’ favorite things to eat are clover and flowers. And unicorns only let virgins come close to them.

Max leads them down the path to where Carey is standing. They get introduced, and based on a first impression Carey isn’t only good looking, he’s also cool, and god, why does it have to be unicorns.

PK sees them way off in the field, looking all pure white and majestic as hell. Stupid unicorns.

The three of them stand chatting for a few minutes, but then one of the unicorns starts ambling towards Carey and they get shooed away.

“It’s nothing personal,” Carey says. “It’s just that they don’t like strangers—or Max. They hate Max.”

“Yeah, well, I don’t like them either,” Max says.

Carey shakes his head. “You got nipped at one time, and it was your own fault for getting to close. I don’t see why you’re holding a grudge.”

“I don’t know,” Max says. “I guess I just don’t like being bitten, that’s allowed.”

“Yeah whatever. You should scram now.”

Max leads on, towards brownies or griffins or some other magical creature that isn’t half as fun to look at as Carey the human.

**~ ~ ~ ~ ~**

 

What PK realizes as he settles into work at the preserve is that Carey is really nice. PK gets made fun of for being a city slicker, but Carey always teases with a smile in his eyes.

It turns out that the Gallys are human interns, and any biting they do is consensual and done in private, so it’s none of PK’s business. The great thing about the Gallys is that when he needs an extra set of hands or eyes or elbows for his research, they're hanging around, just waiting to get bossed around. That is literally what they're there for, so he doesn't feel bad about it at all.

Between his research and the intern wrangling, PK is feels fortunate to get a few lessons in another type of wrangling as well. Along with the unicorns Carey is also responsible for the reserve’s horses. Carey is really good with the horses. PK knows this from experience, because unlike unicorns, horses can deal with sullied city boys like him stroking their sides and feeding them apples.

If PK gets distracted from his observations when Carey rides by, well, that’s what he has the Gallys for. The day that Carey decides to practice roping in the field behind the pixie’s hive is pretty terrible/awesome. Maybe Carey could tie him up. That would be interesting. PK is vaguely aware of the pixies doing something. This isn’t working.

“Ok, we’re done for the day,” He says, dismissing the Gallys with instructions to “go do something young and stupid” with their unexpected free time. Alone, PK makes his way over to Carey.

“You’re really good at that,” He says.

“I do rodeo in the summer,” Carey says. “Not a whole lot, but I’m decent.”

“I bet you’re great,” PK says.

Carey smiles, and shuffles a little. “It’s not that hard. Here, let me show you.”

What follows is the nicest lesson PK has ever had in a skill he’ll almost positively never need. PK has no idea why he would need to rope a horse, but it gets Carey’s big warm hands on him as he corrects PK’s form. PK would become a rodeo expert if it meant a lot more lessons like this.

It’s really flirty and nice, and if PK didn’t know better he’d say that Carey is checking him out. Hell, maybe Carey is checking him out, because a guy can look even if he doesn’t have any plans to act. PK could actually see a way to make that happen. They could just watch each other, but only touch themselves. That would be awesome, except for how it wouldn’t actually work.

PK doesn’t know much about unicorns, but last year he did spend a while breaking down a potion that called for virgin’s blood. It was a sedative that should have knocked out a swarm of Banshee-bats if deployed properly. PK doesn’t regret (gently!) “stabbing” his younger brother, but he does regret not testing the potion in a controlled setting instead of in the field. His ears were ringing for weeks, and the ensuing conversation with Malcolm was among the most awkward moments in PK’s life.

The point is, that he knows magic doesn’t evaluate virginity on whether or not someone has “had sex” in a strict dictionary sense. Magic cares about purity, and goodness, and cleanliness, and now PK knows things about his brother that he really didn’t want to know. So as much as he would be into hooking up with Carey hands free, it isn’t really an option. PK has a nice time thinking about it though.

The lesson ends when Carey has to go feed the unicorns, and PK trudges back to the ranch by himself.

The sexual tension is driving PK crazy. He calls up John just to complain. “Like, seriously, I could give up sex to date him. That’s a thing I could do, I could just spend all my time with him, and his handsome face, and all his muscles dressed in rugged cowboy fashion. We could just hang out and be celibate boyfriends. It’s a shame that he’s the unicorn guy.”

“Wait, so you’re not sleeping with him because he’s a unicorn handler?” John asks.

“Yeah,” PK says, “and I don’t think he’d give that up for a piece of my ass, as great as that may be. You should hear him talk about the herd, he fucking loves those things.”

“And he can’t go out with you _and_ do his job because why?” John asks. Sometimes John’s a bit dense, but that’s ok, PK can explain it all.

“Because it’s _unicorns_ dude. You know how they are, they only wanna hang out with virgins.”

John laughs, like he knows something PK doesn’t, because PK doesn’t find anything so funny. “Wow. Your life is such a challenge.”

“I know, right?” PK whines. “Carey Price and his amazing bone structure exist to torment me.”

Then PK changes the subject, because yeah his love life is kind of sad right now, but John’s been dating the same boy since he was, like, fifteen, and needs to be mocked for basically already being an old boring married person, even though he’s the same age as PK.

**~ ~ ~ ~ ~**

PK’s totally dealing with the crush situation. He’s talking about it to his bff, he has it under control. He’s gonna get over it fine, just give him a little bit longer.

He doesn’t expect Carey to bring it up.

They’re talking, and they’re kind of flirting. PK isn’t really trying to flirt, but it’s his natural way of communicating with attractive people. He would have to actively try to not flirt, and that’s kind of a lot of work.

“I don’t get you,” Carey says. “It seems like you’re into me, but you’ve never made a move.”

PK’s a little bit flustered, which is probably why he says, “Yeah, I’m into you, but, well, you know...Unicorns!” instead of something more suave.

Fortunately Carey seems unflustered by this outburst, another fact supporting the idea that he’d make a great boyfriend if it wasn’t for the whole chastity thing. “Yeah? What about them?”

“You work with unicorns! I want to do dirty things to you! These things seem to conflict each other.”

Carey frowns, then starts laughing. “The whole unicorns only getting along with virgins is a myth. I can’t believe you didn’t know that.”

“But no, unicorns are really picky about who they let close to them, that’s why there’s all the warnings and fences and stuff.”

“They’re picky because they’re temperamental and don’t like new folks. It doesn’t have anything to do with their handler’s sex lives.”

“Oh.” PK gets it now. “So, do you want to bone? Or like, go out?”

Carey’s still laughing at him, but not in a mean way, in a nice way, with a smile that makes his eyes all crinkly. “Wow, you’re terrible. But yeah, that sounds great. We’ll do something after work, yeah?”

“For sure.”

PK is so totally getting laid by Carey the hot actually-not-a-virgin Unicorn wrangler. His life is pretty sweet. Toronto can suck it.

(They live happily ever after.)


End file.
